Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Well, it's happened.  I'm officially freaking out!  I was feeling really good about everything until yesterday.  Aaron was sick last weekend so I didn't get as much stuff done as I thought I would, but I really felt like I still had plenty of time to tackle my "To Do" list.  Then Aaron had a late meeting last night, he has another late meeting tonight, and I have parent/teacher conferences Thursday and Friday, so I have to work late tomorrow night.  When Bryce woke up last night at 1:30 I calmly put him back to bed (where he stayed WOO HOO), then I proceeded to lay in bed fretting and worrying the rest of the night.  Why is that the day's worries seem to grow into huge, ugly monsters in the wee hours of the morning?  In order to help my brain calm down I got up and added to my list everything I was fretting about.  It didn't help, I kept fretting that I would never actually get Aaron, myself, and Amelia packed for a two week stay in China which includes items such as anti-bacterial dish soap, American snacks, a complete pharmacy of medical supplies, five pounds of VERY important paperwork, and all the baby supplies you need for a 20 month old.   Oh, and don't forget clothing items that are versatile to 3 different climates. Will I actually get my house clean, the sheets washed, the refrigerator cleaned out, the van washed and vacuumed out, etc. (the list goes on and on).  So, after I thought about that for at least an hour, I started thinking about my boys and how much I am going to miss them.  So help me, I literally went into their room and crawled into bed with each of them for a few minutes.  I figure I'm going to get all my snuggles in while I can.  After that I started thinking about Amelia and the heartache she's going to feel leaving everything she's ever known.  We're asking her to be so brave and face the world head-on.  We're hoping she bonds to us and embraces us as her forever family.  But really, SHE didn't ask for any of this.  I know we'll be a great family for her and provide anything and everything she needs, we'll love her and care for her, she will be one of the four bright shining stars of my life, but I still feel very guilty that she has to leave her life as she knows it.  Yes, even if it wasn't us adopting her I'm sure there would be tons of other families lining up.  It's pretty much inevitable that she would someday leave everything she knows.  I know all of that, but if there's anything a mother is good at it's feeling guilty.  But, at the same time I just feel so lucky to be the mom that gets to have her as a daughter.  I look forward to the future and watching her grow-up with her big brothers and cousins.  I can't wait to have some pink in my life, but I STILL worry about her little heart and how brave we are asking her to be.  After I prayed for her for a very long time I finally fell back asleep just 45 minutes before my alarm clock went off.  Now that the night is past I see that YES, I WILL get my to-do list done.  YES, the boys will survive without us for two weeks and will be in the great care of my mom and dad, and YES Amelia will get through this traumatic time and we'll grow and flourish as a family.  Isn't it funny how daylight makes the night worries dim?   Until I'm on the plane and far after that I'm going to keep reminding myself of Psalm 37:5.  Now, excuse me while I add to my "To-Do" list!!!

Psalm 37:5
Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, and He will do it.